The Secret of Happiness

We all want it. Not only for ourselves, but for those we love. Yet for many people, it seems to be as elusive as a unicorn. No matter how much we have, places we travel to or experiences we create, it is never enough.

So, what is happiness and how can we experience it? The definition of happiness is “an emotional state of feeling joy, satisfaction, and fulfilment.” In other words, it is something we experience inside, which may or may not be influenced by outside factors.

I’m sure you have heard people say (or have said yourself) things like, “If I only had money in the bank, I’d be happy.” “I’ll be happy when I can finally retire.” “I’ll be happy if I can get another (insert object or aim here).” In other words, happiness is dependent on achieving some future goal. What happens if you never achieve it? Are you destined to be unhappy for the rest of your days?

Planning for the future is fraught with uncertainty. We who lived through the pandemic know how fleeting life is and how quickly disaster can overtake us. Recently, a dear friend of ours became ill and died very suddenly, just as he and his wife were making plans to enjoy their retirement together. It was a terrible blow and a sad reminder of how our well thought out plans can be scuppered in an instant.

In order to find happiness, we need an attitude adjustment.

1.        Be thankful for what you already have.

Instead of yearning for more money, a bigger house, a better car or that elusive holiday, look around at what you already have and appreciate it. You are already rich in so many ways. You have a roof over your head. Access to clean water. Friends and family. Food, not only for today but for tomorrow as well. A TV. Books. I could go on. You will never be happy if your focus is on what you haven’t got, instead of the blessings around you.

2.        Stop comparing yourself to the rich and famous.

We are living in a “celebrity” culture. Everyone desires riches and fame. The rise of “reality” TV has given us the impression that you have to be known to be happy. I say ‘known’, but I can honestly say that I hardly ever recognise anyone from programmes like “I’m a Celebrity,” or similar shows.

It looks like they live a glamorous lifestyle, but the reality is, so-called celebrities often harbour fears of their own. That many turn to alcohol and drugs should tell us that being famous isn’t the idyll the rest of us imagine it to be. Yearning to be counted among them will not bring you happiness.

3.        Find joy in the little things.

My granddaughter is almost three and a bundle of energy, inquisitiveness, and awe. When I look at the world through her eyes, it is a marvellous place full of wonder and excitement. She loves watching trains and dancing to music. She is determined and celebrates when she works out a problem or learns a new skill. She loves the feeling of wind in her face and often urges me to “go faster”.

Life can often leave us feeling jaded. There is so much doom and gloom in the world, it’s difficult to find anything worth celebrating. We need to think small and recapture the childhood innocence that has been buried beneath bills and responsibilities. Discover the child within and play with them.

4.        Live in the moment.

We are often so busy that the day flashes past in a haze of tasks. We don’t take time to stop and smell the roses. By living at such a pace, we miss the beautiful moments that could bring us happiness. When was the last time you ate a meal without the distraction of your phone or being in front of the TV? Or gulping your food because you had important things to accomplish?

Learn to stop and be in the moment. Savour the flavours. Be fully present. Enjoy it. When you are walking, listen to the birds instead of the music from your headphones. Breathe deeply. Look around you. Be a tourist and take a different route. Smile at the stranger walking in the opposite direction. Feel the sun (or rain) on your face.

5.        Help and encourage others.

If you are selfish and critical all the time, you will never discover happiness in your life. There is a real joy in putting others first. When you are living in the moment, you will start to notice other people around you. The fraught mum struggling to open a door and push the pushchair at the same time, or the elderly man who can’t reach the low shelves in the supermarket. Instead of scowling and grumbling about the queue in front, smile at the fractious toddler, or chat to the person next to you. Compliment people without having an ulterior motive.

At home, don’t replay all your partner's faults, but focus on the things you love about them. Encourage your kids and take an interest in their lives. Don’t view your aging parents as a burden but use their need as a time to be thankful for all they did for you, and a chance to give them some dignity when they might feel lost and afraid.

Serving others can be hugely rewarding. Charities and other organisations are often desperate for volunteers in all sorts of capacities. Whether it is sharing your skills, doing practical jobs like painting or gardening, or being a mentor for a homeless teen, there are countless opportunities for you to help.

I always remember a saying from when I was a teenager. “Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” You can’t get happiness from having and doing, but from being.

That’s the secret.