Feel the Fear...

Like many readers and writers, I am in introvert. Sitting at home in silence with only myself for company, I feel at my most comfortable. I don’t listen to music. I don’t feel the need to turn on the TV for company. My home is my sanctuary, and it takes a lot to prise me out of it.

When we faced restrictions as lockdown was first put in place in 2020, I thrived. At last, I had a legitimate reason for staying in, wearing my pj’s all day, and not seeing anyone but my husband. It was bliss. I wrote loads, watched films (thank you to Andrew Lloyd Webber and others that streamed such quality fare) and read.

For me, the problems have arisen as life resumed a sense of normality.

Let me rewind a little. I have always been a fearful person. I loathe meeting new people and having to think of small talk, I don’t like going to new places, especially if it means driving. I would rather send a million emails than lift up the receiver on my phone. All my life I have constantly battled with myself, forcing myself to do the things I hate, trying to push myself out of my safe space into the frightening unknown.

It is exhausting.

As a teen I would cycle anywhere rather than get the bus, terrified that I would end up in a strange place or fall asleep and miss my stop. I was chubby, wore glasses, and had a strong northern accent. School in the south of England was difficult.

When I moved up to the sixth form, I found myself standing in front of the door to the common room alone, knowing I had to go inside, but imagining the embarrassment of being viewed as an interloper, or worse, being humiliated in some way.

That’s when I first hit on a way to cope.

If people were going to stare at me, I would make them do it on my terms. I took a deep breath, marched into the room, looked around and said in a loud voice, “So, this is the common room.” People looked up and then went back to doing their own thing. I had survived. It became my shield when faced with new situations. I would put on a mask and fake it – so much so, that I came to be known as someone you had to have at parties. When I admitted to people that I was shy and introvert, they never believed me.

There is a saying: Feel the fear but do it anyway. It became my mantra as I went through life.

So, fast forward to the present. Lockdown was great. Coming out of lockdown was super-scary. To tell you how bad I have become, a friend bought me a gin cruise voucher for my birthday two years ago. I went to book it online, only to be told that there was a number I had to ring. Which meant picking up the dreaded telephone.

It took me over a year to pluck up the courage to do it. In the end, I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer. The guy I spoke to was lovely, booking was easy and the whole process took a few minutes of my life. Nevertheless, I was shaking when I finished the conversation.

This morning, I had one job to do. I had an old quilt that I needed to get rid of and discovered that Dunelm have a great recycling initiative. To clarify, I found out about this months ago, but didn’t do anything straight away. Why? Because I have never visited the shop before and froze at the thought of doing it. I bought some black bags in February so that I could bag it up. I made myself bag it up last week. Today, I planned to make the drop.

Of course, I could feel myself starting to sabotage the plan. The forecast said it would rain (at 11am). Maybe I should wait for a nicer day. Even better, get my husband to drive me on Saturday. I really should crack on with my draft of Mimir’s Orb, because I’m so near the end.

I didn’t listen to myself. I put on my big girl pants and drove down. There was hardly any traffic on the road, so I was able to take my time in finding the right road. I had a slight panic when I walked into the shop, because I expected the recycling box to be near the entrance, but it wasn’t. I plucked up the courage to ask for help and a lovely man showed me where to put it. I was back home again in 20 mins.

I gave myself a big pat on the back, rewarded myself with a coffee, and decided to write about my struggles in the hope that I might encourage others.

Writing is a very introverted pastime. It asks for long hours sat in front of a PC writing, editing and researching. Unfortunately, a published author has to do things that are not easy. Meet new people and talk to them. Go to new places to speak or sell copies. I have applied to have a table at a book fair in July. I have never been to the place or attended one before. I’m already starting to panic, and I haven’t even had it confirmed yet!

But I can do it. I will do it.

Why? Because I might actually sell a copy to a stranger. I might have what another person has been looking for. I might meet some lovely people. I might have a blast. I can’t allow fear to ruin those beautiful moments.

Fear robs you. It stops you experiencing the new and exciting, it tries to make you hide away and not live life. It can be seriously debilitating. I wish I could say that all those wonderful positive experiences have cured me. They haven’t. Each new challenge is just as difficult as the ones before. Sometimes, fear wins a battle, making me have to face it over and over again. Eventually, I will be victorious.

As a Christian, I also have my not-so-secret weapon. In the Bible, there are countless promises to the believer that we should not fear but trust God to help us. I love the fact that my feelings are not belittled or pushed under the mat by God. He knows that I’m shaking in my boots, but he promises to go ahead of me, walk beside me, and give me his power in every situation.

I still tremble, but I press on. Eventually.

Today, Dunelm. Tomorrow, the world!